if i can run in heels then i can drive
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
