were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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