Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
