Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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