FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
