How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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