I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
