I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
