Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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