just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
