This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
