i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
