Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
