I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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