my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
COCAINE IS GR8
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
