there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
