Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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