I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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