You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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