I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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