i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
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Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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