it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
