I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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