i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
