carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
