I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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