The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
All the doctor said was why
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
