Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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