I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
