Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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