he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
