I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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