I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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