Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
