I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
