Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
