drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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