There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
