I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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