After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
