I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
