Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
