he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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