As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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