Umm I'm too high to move.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
