he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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