let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
