nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
