I'm gonna have a badass scar
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
