It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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