I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
