I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
