I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize