I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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