I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
