I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
