All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize