I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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