Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
