feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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