She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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